summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize