dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Randomize
