yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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