I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
