Apparently you make a good broom.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
