I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
