if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
