There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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