Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
