i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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