last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
