And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
