wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
