You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
