Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
