I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
