Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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