shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i think i have herpe
just one?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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