so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
