he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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