oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
my being single is dangerous.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
