dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
