Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
