she woke up with a sticky ear
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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