does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
