What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
