Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
