i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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