I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
