i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize