there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
