its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
