1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
