I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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