She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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