you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
