thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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