I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
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