it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
