ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
