$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
