My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
