i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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