I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
