I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
