Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
