Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
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