doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
why do cheetos always look like penises
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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