I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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