All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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