I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
worst night to have a conscience
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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