You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Randomize
