The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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