She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
