I hate all girls vehemently.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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