A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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