bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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