Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
