my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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