WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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