Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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