I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
