True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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