I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
