I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
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