i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
