So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
